Note: I can’t really explain how or why this post happened. It came out of a passing thought that Donald Trump’s speeches, tweets, and otherwise “tough talk” bear a strong resemblance to Matilda’s villain (and over-grown bully) Agatha Trunchbull. This post is me indulging my weird sense of humor, and if that isn’t your thing, don’t worry. More show reviews, interviews, and updates on This Is My Brave (a show I am co-producing) will be coming soon.

To the people of the Internet,

If you are reading this, I congratulate you. You are reading the blog of Agatha Trunchbull, former Olympian and current headmistress of Crunchem Hall. It shows good taste and judgment. You could be a winner, like me, or well on your way to becoming one.

Some of you may remember me for my exceptional hammer-throwing skills while others may know me from my subreddit, /cakegate. (It’s about ethics in baked goods, and I will not rest until the criminal known as Bruce Bogtrotter is behind bars!) All of you who know me, however, know two things to be true. First, that I am a winner, and second, that I cannot abide politics. The whole spectacle is an embarrassment, watching grown people whine to these gutless codfish in suits. “Life isn’t fair,” “Give me healthcare,” “I can’t feed my children.” These are the words of losers who want to bring down the winners. They want to tear down upstanding citizens like you and me, and they will say they want a world full of love, liberty, and justice for all.

Do not believe it.

I am a British citizen, but I have followed the presidential campaign of Donald Trump with great interest. Like myself, Mr. Trump has neither the time nor the patience for losers. He is a man of action, a man who conquered the business world and the Atlantic City Boardwalk, from the Taj Mahal to the Trump Plaza Hotel. Donald Trump is a man with a plan, a plan to build a wall between the United States and Mexico, and he will build it. Oh yes, he will, dear readers, and Mexico will pay for it, and all these pathetic little maggots who say he can’t are jealous that they didn’t think of it first.

Winners are the favorite target of the media, and Trump is no exception to the rule. They say he is sexist because he mentioned Megyn Kelly’s menstrual cycle. Let me tell you a secret, something that those left-wing “scientists” don’t want you to know. The menstrual cycle is not a women’s issue, it’s a will-power issue. After I had my first menstruation, I trained my body through prayer and physical exertion to shut that down for good. My body will not bleed just because some “doctor” says it should. Megyn Kelly should focus less on tearing down winners like Donald Trump and discipline her body. Take my advice, Ms. Kelly, and put that period in the past.

Other imbeciles in the media have mocked Donald Trump for his hair, a claim which is utterly absurd. I consider myself an expert in hair, having banned pigtails, bouffants, and other contemptible coiffures from Crunchem Hall. I style my own hair in a classic bun, a versatile choice appropriate for a javelin throw or fancy dress. Donald Trump’s hair is spectacular, electric, a wonder to behold. His hair has a life of its own, like it could crawl right off his head, shake my hand, and have a beer with me.

I am so thoroughly impressed by Donald Trump’s campaign that I am making a proposal today, right here on my blog. Mr. Trump, I am ready to renounce my citizenship and go to America so that I can be your Vice President. Just imagine, a champion of business paired with a champion of fitness! Money and physical perfection on the same ticket! Trump/Trunch 2016, doesn’t it sound grand? We will build that wall around Mexico, and every inch will be lined with nails and spikes and broken glass. Together, we shall build the world’s largest Chokey and throw the losers and the criminals and the bratty little children inside! America will be a country of winners again, and we will rule it, side by side, with good old-fashioned discipline and a healthy fear of corporal punishment.

You can find me at Crunchem Hall, Mr. Trump. I await your call.